Raising the Perfectly Imperfect Child by Boris Vujicic

Author:Boris Vujicic
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: The Crown Publishing Group
Published: 2016-04-19T04:00:00+00:00

WRONG ROLES

Problems can arise if the disabled child dominates siblings, becomes overly reliant on them, or demands that they serve his needs, treating them like caregivers or servants rather than respecting their roles as brothers and sisters. We were careful to make sure Nick didn’t dominate Aaron’s time when they were young. He was good about not doing that as they grew older, but early on we had to set some ground rules because Nick sometimes became a bit bossy.

When a young sibling is forced to take on responsibilities for a disabled child that should belong to the mother or father, there is a chance it can diminish the quality of the sibling’s childhood experiences. Psychologists call this parentification, and they say it can stunt the emotional growth of siblings.

Dushka and I learned to be vigilant on this and several other fronts when it came to the relationship between Nick and Aaron and our third child, Michelle, our beautiful daughter who was born with no disabilities two and a half years after Aaron. Dushka was delighted to have another female in the house, and of course I was too. Michelle proved to be an equal match for her brothers and, in fact, they both doted on her. The relationships between siblings are said to be among the most complicated, impassioned, and enduring of any we form. When one of them is a special-needs child, the others can be affected in both positive and negative ways. Dushka and I were well aware of that, and we were also aware that we could have an impact on which way it went for our kids.

We’d heard of siblings who grew up with resentment or who felt burdened or embarrassed by a disabled child in the family. In some cases, siblings of disabled kids have felt guilty because they were normal or healthy and were spared any disabilities. Other siblings may feel they have to be perfect superachievers who never do any wrong, excel in everything they do, and thus do not place any additional stress on their parents.

We certainly did not want any of those negative feelings or pressures to affect our children and their relationships with each other. To help them form positive, lasting, and loving bonds, we did our best to provide Aaron and Michelle with a full understanding of Nick’s disabilities, their origins, and what he could and could not do for himself. We also tried to give our other two kids equal time and attention so they did not feel neglected or less important to us than Nick.

The Bible’s Jacob blundered badly when he showed favoritism to his youngest son, Joseph, and provided him with that special coat of many colors. Parents can easily fall into the trap of favoring and spoiling the youngest child, sometimes because the other kids have worn them out and they have no will or energy left.

Children first learn the values of fairness, equality, and justice from their parents, and we did our best to be good role models for them.

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